Alright y'all, I have been taking meds for ADHD now for... I think I'm about to go in to my 3rd month. My brain definitely is affected by it, and some changes seem like they have been positive. But life hasn't slowed down at all. In fact, as is probably true for most people, life just gets crazier toward the end of the year, when holidays start coming one after another, so even though I feel like it has been a bit easier to find the time to accomplish more day-to-day tasks, the number of obligations just continues increasing, so I feel like I'm just maintaining really,--just treading water. I want so much to be able to follow through completely on one of my goals. I mean, I can start something any day. My problem is, and as long as I can remember always has been, finishing anything! In the past, I've had the thought, "if I tell other people about my goal/decision, they will hold me accountable, and the more people involved, the more likely I am to complete the thing." Well, no. I have told so many people about so many plans I have made, so many "things" I was going to do, and how soon I was going to finish said thing, and 99% of the time, I end up making myself a liar. THIS is one of the most frustrating things to me about myself. I don't understand it, I take new steps every so often to try and change, but things are only working for me when they are new, fresh ideas. After a few weeks or months, I'm done and I want to do something new.
My general track record for staying on with a company is about 1 year. I get burnt out right around a year. Sometimes it's 9 months, sometimes it's 16 months, but generally, a year is when I start looking for a new job. I have no idea what it is like to have a career in mind, prepare yourself to get to that point, and then go and do it. Go be that. Go do that. I am quite envious of people who can accomplish their goals. I once dated a guy who wanted to be a chef. When we dated, we were about 21, 22, and he was already on his way. He had gone through culinary school, moved himself to a big city. When we met and started dating, he was a sous chef in the smallest restaurant of a very large, very lucrative restaurant group. And since then, that man has become Executive Chef of at least 3 amazing places. Right now, today, he is the Executive Chef of a restaurant in which he is also a co-founder. AMAZING!! He is being cited in food mags, his restaurant is being named in top ten lists, he is on the local news quite frequently....I am so jealous! I mean, I know that he worked very, very hard to arrive at his current place in life. I am quite proud of him honestly, and it's cool to me now to say that at some point, I knew that person better than so many other people might. I just wish I could learn what it is that he has, that some people just seem to have, what would you call it--determination or whatever.
I want to find my passion, what it is that I just love and enjoy no matter what. One of my problems is, I love too many things! I find something new, I learn about it, I spend money on learning about it and immersing myself in it, and then not long after, it's not exciting anymore. Why is that? I am searching and searching for answers. Hopefully, maybe after the holidays, my brain can calm down and that will lead into some new light. I don't know why, but I really expected medication to change things for me, but I see now that it will have to work in tandem WITH me. Sigh.
Alright, little man is up now, in the middle of the night, so I'll be signing off.
Happy Christmas, Hanukah, Winter Solstice, all that jazz. And Happy New Year to all!!
Later Taters!
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