Alright y'all, I have been taking meds for ADHD now for... I think I'm about to go in to my 3rd month. My brain definitely is affected by it, and some changes seem like they have been positive. But life hasn't slowed down at all. In fact, as is probably true for most people, life just gets crazier toward the end of the year, when holidays start coming one after another, so even though I feel like it has been a bit easier to find the time to accomplish more day-to-day tasks, the number of obligations just continues increasing, so I feel like I'm just maintaining really,--just treading water. I want so much to be able to follow through completely on one of my goals. I mean, I can start something any day. My problem is, and as long as I can remember always has been, finishing anything! In the past, I've had the thought, "if I tell other people about my goal/decision, they will hold me accountable, and the more people involved, the more likely I am to complete the thing." Well, no. I have told so many people about so many plans I have made, so many "things" I was going to do, and how soon I was going to finish said thing, and 99% of the time, I end up making myself a liar. THIS is one of the most frustrating things to me about myself. I don't understand it, I take new steps every so often to try and change, but things are only working for me when they are new, fresh ideas. After a few weeks or months, I'm done and I want to do something new.
My general track record for staying on with a company is about 1 year. I get burnt out right around a year. Sometimes it's 9 months, sometimes it's 16 months, but generally, a year is when I start looking for a new job. I have no idea what it is like to have a career in mind, prepare yourself to get to that point, and then go and do it. Go be that. Go do that. I am quite envious of people who can accomplish their goals. I once dated a guy who wanted to be a chef. When we dated, we were about 21, 22, and he was already on his way. He had gone through culinary school, moved himself to a big city. When we met and started dating, he was a sous chef in the smallest restaurant of a very large, very lucrative restaurant group. And since then, that man has become Executive Chef of at least 3 amazing places. Right now, today, he is the Executive Chef of a restaurant in which he is also a co-founder. AMAZING!! He is being cited in food mags, his restaurant is being named in top ten lists, he is on the local news quite frequently....I am so jealous! I mean, I know that he worked very, very hard to arrive at his current place in life. I am quite proud of him honestly, and it's cool to me now to say that at some point, I knew that person better than so many other people might. I just wish I could learn what it is that he has, that some people just seem to have, what would you call it--determination or whatever.
I want to find my passion, what it is that I just love and enjoy no matter what. One of my problems is, I love too many things! I find something new, I learn about it, I spend money on learning about it and immersing myself in it, and then not long after, it's not exciting anymore. Why is that? I am searching and searching for answers. Hopefully, maybe after the holidays, my brain can calm down and that will lead into some new light. I don't know why, but I really expected medication to change things for me, but I see now that it will have to work in tandem WITH me. Sigh.
Alright, little man is up now, in the middle of the night, so I'll be signing off.
Happy Christmas, Hanukah, Winter Solstice, all that jazz. And Happy New Year to all!!
Later Taters!
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Newly Diagnosed and still Mourning
Well, it has finally become truth and not just myth. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD at 35 years old. It isn't like the possibility of the idea never came up before. My husband's side of our family have been joking about it for years! Even way before the movie Up came out, our running joke was SQUIRREL whenever I would lose my train of thought. If you know me for more than a week, it is apparent that I have about 20 things running through my brain at any given moment, and who knows which of those ideas or thoughts will actually make it down to my mouth.
I've been wondering if it could be true, actually true, for years. I start projects around the house constantly, but maybe 10% get finished. Of course, it is more difficult these days to finish a project with a 4 year old running around. Regardless, I didn't get much done before he came around either. My sister has been telling me since at least age 8 that I need a hearing aid. Obviously, that selective hearing thing has been happening my whole life. Hyper focus = I can't hear you. Now that a doctor has informed me that yes, I have it and have always had it, it's unreal to look back on my life and see how this has affected me in so many different ways, without me even knowing. I'm not going to go all the way back and list each and every little thing that might have been different if I'd been diagnosed as a child. That's not really interesting to anyone but me, probably. Let's just say that it will take some time to process, to think over the years and wonder about good and bad situations, and to come to terms with this realization. I have already been drudging up some pretty bad memories and rehashing them, as I tend to do anyway, all the time, with life in general. It's just now, they come with a little different spin on them.
All in all, it is a relief to find out something so major (to me it's major) about myself. I received a very detailed report from the Neuropsychologist that did my testing, and reading over that beast is eye-opening, to say the least. (haha I rhymed!--Squirrel!) It's nuts (pun) to see all these true things about me all written down in one place. I've recently been trying to find myself anyway, trying to read my own soul, as dumb as that sounds and looks written down. I feel as though before now, I've just been going along and getting through. I have always felt like I am here to serve some major purpose, but with absolutely no direction to find it. I am hoping that this will be the beginning of my life as me. Yep, super cheesy, I know. But hey, I'm doing this all for me anyway. So if you don't like the cheese, it's cool.
Later Taters!
(I love food, if you couldn't tell.)
I've been wondering if it could be true, actually true, for years. I start projects around the house constantly, but maybe 10% get finished. Of course, it is more difficult these days to finish a project with a 4 year old running around. Regardless, I didn't get much done before he came around either. My sister has been telling me since at least age 8 that I need a hearing aid. Obviously, that selective hearing thing has been happening my whole life. Hyper focus = I can't hear you. Now that a doctor has informed me that yes, I have it and have always had it, it's unreal to look back on my life and see how this has affected me in so many different ways, without me even knowing. I'm not going to go all the way back and list each and every little thing that might have been different if I'd been diagnosed as a child. That's not really interesting to anyone but me, probably. Let's just say that it will take some time to process, to think over the years and wonder about good and bad situations, and to come to terms with this realization. I have already been drudging up some pretty bad memories and rehashing them, as I tend to do anyway, all the time, with life in general. It's just now, they come with a little different spin on them.
All in all, it is a relief to find out something so major (to me it's major) about myself. I received a very detailed report from the Neuropsychologist that did my testing, and reading over that beast is eye-opening, to say the least. (haha I rhymed!--Squirrel!) It's nuts (pun) to see all these true things about me all written down in one place. I've recently been trying to find myself anyway, trying to read my own soul, as dumb as that sounds and looks written down. I feel as though before now, I've just been going along and getting through. I have always felt like I am here to serve some major purpose, but with absolutely no direction to find it. I am hoping that this will be the beginning of my life as me. Yep, super cheesy, I know. But hey, I'm doing this all for me anyway. So if you don't like the cheese, it's cool.
Later Taters!
(I love food, if you couldn't tell.)
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