Why are there so many...thoughts running through my head? ...tasks that I feel compelled to work on? ...grand ideas and visions that I just know (for about 2 days) will work out perfectly, and then never come to fruition? I know I am not alone in any of these feelings/sentences/issues. Since my diagnosis, I've had a good bit of time to read and research about the actual symptoms some people experience with ADD/ADHD, and it really just explains so much. It is almost calming, although I rarely feel "calm". Sometimes, it's like I am reading an article someone wrote about me, and I wouldn't have even realized it before now.
I think I am nearing the end of the mourning stage, and now I am just ready to learn some effective ways to change. Being the beginning of a new year, it seems like the perfect time to get started, although, like most people, my resolutions don't ever really stick. This year, I only resolved to do a few simple things: 1) Listen to more music, more often. Music is in me--in my soul, it motivates me, it cheers me up; I played music for over 7 years, and for some reason, I've just gotten away from making it a part of daily life. So that should be an easy and fun change to make. And so far, I've remembered it about every 2 days. Not bad I'd say!
2) Spend more time with my son, undistracted. Put my phone down, turn off any televisions or games that might be on, and play with him, make eye contact with him, listen to him and have real conversations as much as we can. Dude, if you don't have a preschooler to hang out with, you should try it sometime. A 4 year old can crack you up if you really listen! I had a huge imagination as a child (surprised all you fellow Daydreamers?) and so I've always tried to keep brain-building items in mind when I buy toys and games for him. Oh, I'm not being all high and mighty about it...he definitely gets more screen time that a lot of other kids his age, or at least a lot more the the experts seem to recommend. My husband and I both LOVE television, we LOVE movies, and my husband is a Gamer, so little man gets to enjoy lots of those things. But, we do try to purposefully turn those things off every day, even when the whining and bargaining get louder, and remind him how fun it is to play with blocks, and to play CandyLand, and even just stacking up Solo cups! (He loves to build with anything, which I enjoy too, watching his little thoughts in action.) So, this year, I want him to know how much I really do want to be around him, and that I know that he is a little person who wants and needs to be heard. His daycare/preschool is just amazing, and as fast as he is learning things nowadays, I've realized that he won't be my little boy for much longer. (sniff, sniff)
3) I am attempting to find out what things and ideas really make me happy and surround myself with them. I know that number 1 falls into this category as well, but music is so big, I thought it needed its own category. So far, the first and biggest thing I have realized is that when my personal areas and belongings are organized, I am just automatically happier. I have always known, from years of experience, that clutter and disarray make me frustrated, angry, upset, and overwhelmed. But, that's how I've lived, as long as I can remember. (Hey, my parents started it!) Throw in the fact that I am a borderline germaphobe, and this mess really gets to me! It's not like my home is dirty, it's just feels full. Listen, we have room to eat and sleep and relax and take showers and all that, so it's not like my sister is about to call up Hoarders. I just don't, or haven't yet, been able to figure out why my kitchen countertops are never just cleared off, or why my side of the dresser in the bedroom always, always has stacks of papers and craft projects and pictures strewn about. I want so badly to be a minimalist! Looking at home magazines, and my favorite brain-overloader, Pinterest, I am so jealous and envious of these beautiful rooms, with the simple clean lines, the mod furniture, and no junk on the table. It's like looking at Heaven to me! So, I know this is going to be a challenge, but I will be trying to let go of items, lots of items, and then try to find some organizational ideas that will really work for me! I got an adorable little polka dot planner for 2016, (another thing I know that I love is POLKA DOTS! Oh yeah!) and while it's not yet glued to my side, I am trying to use it daily, to make each day more calm. I bought a little bathroom organizer thing to put some of my facial products in, and man...I could not believe how happy it made me! Instantly! I already bought 2 more, and I am in love! They are just simple little clear bins with separators, but OMG. Being able to place my face lotion back in the EXACT same place every morning is wonderful! Why? I don't know, but I won't ever go back to the pile of stuff in my bathroom that was reminiscent of a tornado's destruction!
I think it will only get better from here! I still have so much to do around here, and a plethora of routines to put in place ("Jefe, do you know what a plethora IS?" C'mon, who can name the movie? It's one of my favorites!). I think my next step will be looking into CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy. It's January, and new health insurance plans have arrived, so who knows if we can afford it, but it can't hurt to research, right?
I would love to hear suggestions of any ideas, books, items, etc. that worked for y'all! Let me know if you figured out some organizing, or mediation (that will take some time for sure), or whatever helped you get on the path to controlling your brain and your decisions and your life! I look forward to learning them too! And now for something we hope you'll really like! Just kidding, I'm going to bed. - I'll really like it! Sleep is my favorite pastime!
Later taters!
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Saturday, December 19, 2015
MEDICATED AND STILL FRUSTRATED
Alright y'all, I have been taking meds for ADHD now for... I think I'm about to go in to my 3rd month. My brain definitely is affected by it, and some changes seem like they have been positive. But life hasn't slowed down at all. In fact, as is probably true for most people, life just gets crazier toward the end of the year, when holidays start coming one after another, so even though I feel like it has been a bit easier to find the time to accomplish more day-to-day tasks, the number of obligations just continues increasing, so I feel like I'm just maintaining really,--just treading water. I want so much to be able to follow through completely on one of my goals. I mean, I can start something any day. My problem is, and as long as I can remember always has been, finishing anything! In the past, I've had the thought, "if I tell other people about my goal/decision, they will hold me accountable, and the more people involved, the more likely I am to complete the thing." Well, no. I have told so many people about so many plans I have made, so many "things" I was going to do, and how soon I was going to finish said thing, and 99% of the time, I end up making myself a liar. THIS is one of the most frustrating things to me about myself. I don't understand it, I take new steps every so often to try and change, but things are only working for me when they are new, fresh ideas. After a few weeks or months, I'm done and I want to do something new.
My general track record for staying on with a company is about 1 year. I get burnt out right around a year. Sometimes it's 9 months, sometimes it's 16 months, but generally, a year is when I start looking for a new job. I have no idea what it is like to have a career in mind, prepare yourself to get to that point, and then go and do it. Go be that. Go do that. I am quite envious of people who can accomplish their goals. I once dated a guy who wanted to be a chef. When we dated, we were about 21, 22, and he was already on his way. He had gone through culinary school, moved himself to a big city. When we met and started dating, he was a sous chef in the smallest restaurant of a very large, very lucrative restaurant group. And since then, that man has become Executive Chef of at least 3 amazing places. Right now, today, he is the Executive Chef of a restaurant in which he is also a co-founder. AMAZING!! He is being cited in food mags, his restaurant is being named in top ten lists, he is on the local news quite frequently....I am so jealous! I mean, I know that he worked very, very hard to arrive at his current place in life. I am quite proud of him honestly, and it's cool to me now to say that at some point, I knew that person better than so many other people might. I just wish I could learn what it is that he has, that some people just seem to have, what would you call it--determination or whatever.
I want to find my passion, what it is that I just love and enjoy no matter what. One of my problems is, I love too many things! I find something new, I learn about it, I spend money on learning about it and immersing myself in it, and then not long after, it's not exciting anymore. Why is that? I am searching and searching for answers. Hopefully, maybe after the holidays, my brain can calm down and that will lead into some new light. I don't know why, but I really expected medication to change things for me, but I see now that it will have to work in tandem WITH me. Sigh.
Alright, little man is up now, in the middle of the night, so I'll be signing off.
Happy Christmas, Hanukah, Winter Solstice, all that jazz. And Happy New Year to all!!
Later Taters!
My general track record for staying on with a company is about 1 year. I get burnt out right around a year. Sometimes it's 9 months, sometimes it's 16 months, but generally, a year is when I start looking for a new job. I have no idea what it is like to have a career in mind, prepare yourself to get to that point, and then go and do it. Go be that. Go do that. I am quite envious of people who can accomplish their goals. I once dated a guy who wanted to be a chef. When we dated, we were about 21, 22, and he was already on his way. He had gone through culinary school, moved himself to a big city. When we met and started dating, he was a sous chef in the smallest restaurant of a very large, very lucrative restaurant group. And since then, that man has become Executive Chef of at least 3 amazing places. Right now, today, he is the Executive Chef of a restaurant in which he is also a co-founder. AMAZING!! He is being cited in food mags, his restaurant is being named in top ten lists, he is on the local news quite frequently....I am so jealous! I mean, I know that he worked very, very hard to arrive at his current place in life. I am quite proud of him honestly, and it's cool to me now to say that at some point, I knew that person better than so many other people might. I just wish I could learn what it is that he has, that some people just seem to have, what would you call it--determination or whatever.
I want to find my passion, what it is that I just love and enjoy no matter what. One of my problems is, I love too many things! I find something new, I learn about it, I spend money on learning about it and immersing myself in it, and then not long after, it's not exciting anymore. Why is that? I am searching and searching for answers. Hopefully, maybe after the holidays, my brain can calm down and that will lead into some new light. I don't know why, but I really expected medication to change things for me, but I see now that it will have to work in tandem WITH me. Sigh.
Alright, little man is up now, in the middle of the night, so I'll be signing off.
Happy Christmas, Hanukah, Winter Solstice, all that jazz. And Happy New Year to all!!
Later Taters!
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Newly Diagnosed and still Mourning
Well, it has finally become truth and not just myth. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD at 35 years old. It isn't like the possibility of the idea never came up before. My husband's side of our family have been joking about it for years! Even way before the movie Up came out, our running joke was SQUIRREL whenever I would lose my train of thought. If you know me for more than a week, it is apparent that I have about 20 things running through my brain at any given moment, and who knows which of those ideas or thoughts will actually make it down to my mouth.
I've been wondering if it could be true, actually true, for years. I start projects around the house constantly, but maybe 10% get finished. Of course, it is more difficult these days to finish a project with a 4 year old running around. Regardless, I didn't get much done before he came around either. My sister has been telling me since at least age 8 that I need a hearing aid. Obviously, that selective hearing thing has been happening my whole life. Hyper focus = I can't hear you. Now that a doctor has informed me that yes, I have it and have always had it, it's unreal to look back on my life and see how this has affected me in so many different ways, without me even knowing. I'm not going to go all the way back and list each and every little thing that might have been different if I'd been diagnosed as a child. That's not really interesting to anyone but me, probably. Let's just say that it will take some time to process, to think over the years and wonder about good and bad situations, and to come to terms with this realization. I have already been drudging up some pretty bad memories and rehashing them, as I tend to do anyway, all the time, with life in general. It's just now, they come with a little different spin on them.
All in all, it is a relief to find out something so major (to me it's major) about myself. I received a very detailed report from the Neuropsychologist that did my testing, and reading over that beast is eye-opening, to say the least. (haha I rhymed!--Squirrel!) It's nuts (pun) to see all these true things about me all written down in one place. I've recently been trying to find myself anyway, trying to read my own soul, as dumb as that sounds and looks written down. I feel as though before now, I've just been going along and getting through. I have always felt like I am here to serve some major purpose, but with absolutely no direction to find it. I am hoping that this will be the beginning of my life as me. Yep, super cheesy, I know. But hey, I'm doing this all for me anyway. So if you don't like the cheese, it's cool.
Later Taters!
(I love food, if you couldn't tell.)
I've been wondering if it could be true, actually true, for years. I start projects around the house constantly, but maybe 10% get finished. Of course, it is more difficult these days to finish a project with a 4 year old running around. Regardless, I didn't get much done before he came around either. My sister has been telling me since at least age 8 that I need a hearing aid. Obviously, that selective hearing thing has been happening my whole life. Hyper focus = I can't hear you. Now that a doctor has informed me that yes, I have it and have always had it, it's unreal to look back on my life and see how this has affected me in so many different ways, without me even knowing. I'm not going to go all the way back and list each and every little thing that might have been different if I'd been diagnosed as a child. That's not really interesting to anyone but me, probably. Let's just say that it will take some time to process, to think over the years and wonder about good and bad situations, and to come to terms with this realization. I have already been drudging up some pretty bad memories and rehashing them, as I tend to do anyway, all the time, with life in general. It's just now, they come with a little different spin on them.
All in all, it is a relief to find out something so major (to me it's major) about myself. I received a very detailed report from the Neuropsychologist that did my testing, and reading over that beast is eye-opening, to say the least. (haha I rhymed!--Squirrel!) It's nuts (pun) to see all these true things about me all written down in one place. I've recently been trying to find myself anyway, trying to read my own soul, as dumb as that sounds and looks written down. I feel as though before now, I've just been going along and getting through. I have always felt like I am here to serve some major purpose, but with absolutely no direction to find it. I am hoping that this will be the beginning of my life as me. Yep, super cheesy, I know. But hey, I'm doing this all for me anyway. So if you don't like the cheese, it's cool.
Later Taters!
(I love food, if you couldn't tell.)
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